2008 ← Ellen Shapiro dot com ← Page 9

How To Write Off Both Your iPhone And Your Trip To New Zealand

Jul

9

2008

1. Write a website that specializes in taking apart Apple products as soon as they’re released. 2. Realize that the first people in the world to get the new iPhone are in New Zealand. 3. Fly to Auckland to be fourth in line IN THE WORLD for your iPhone, so you can immediately take it ...

The Most Complicated Evil Plot I Have Yet Devised

Jul

9

2008

I think I’ve figured out how to land myself a job interview next Friday. This theory came to me as I was waiting for my Chinese food for an hour and 15 minutes. I really had to pee, but I just KNEW the guy was going to come while I was in the bathroom. Sure ...

Caption Contest 1

Jul

8

2008

Chaplin likes to come sit on my lap while I’m trying to read things on the computer. Fortunately, my computer has a built-in camera so I can capture him making goofy faces like this one: If only I could figure out how to make the flash less bright so it wouldn’t completely blow out his ...

How To Increase The Chances That I Will See Your Horror Movie 2

Jul

7

2008

Start by calling it “Mutant Zombie Vampires From the Hood!“. And actually, you can pretty much stop right there, because the title is just that awesome.

I Can’t Feel My Legs

Jul

6

2008

Noted: 35 miles is kind of a long way to bike. Also, I need a better seat. Ow.

Happy 4th of July!

Jul

4

2008

While you are barbecuing various items and drinking yourself silly, the Consumer Product Safety Commission (and whoever cut the CPSC’s video to the soundtrack) would like to remind you to use care with your fireworks this year: [youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OcIwPx-SCs&hl=en] Hat tip: Consumerist.

Damn You, Elliptical

Jul

4

2008

First, your distance calculator decides that I’m running a thirteen minute mile. If I could run on a treadmill without incurring extreme pain, I feel like it would be maybe an eight or nine minute mile. Nothing to write home about, but certainly not as horrifyingly slow as a 13 minute mile. Then, you arbitrarily ...

A Stab At Explaining This SAG Nonsense

Jul

1

2008

Trying to explain why, even though it does not appear the Screen Actors’ Guild is actually going to strike anytime soon, I am frustrated with the lack of progress in the talks, is a little hard to explain. The stalemate has brought all feature production to a grinding halt, and because of the weird timing ...

The Thing That Really Sucks About Coming Into The Office On Sundays

Jun

29

2008

The building where our offices are located is basically a ghost town on the weekends, and in order to save money and energy, the folks here have elected to keep the air conditioning off. This building was built in either the late 50’s or early 60’s, so the idea that each suite can control its ...

A Glaring Omission

Jun

29

2008

I realized that I haven’t said anything here about the death of a man I consider one of my comedic heroes, George Carlin. Partly, I think it’s because I don’t want to acknowledge that he won’t be around to call everyone on their bullshit, as I hoped he’d be for the next few years. I ...