2008 ← Ellen Shapiro dot com ← Page 11

Signs You Have Lost Your Damn Mind

Jun

10

2008

You work a fourteen-and-a-half hour day and as you blearily walk to you car, you think, “Man, that could have been a LOT worse.”

Weekend Wrap-Up 3

Jun

9

2008

I hopped the redeye to Cape Cod Friday night, and watched some Jons get married on Saturday. It was wonderful in so many ways. The place Joel found us (thanks, Joel!) was fantastic, right on the water looking out into Nantucket Sound. It was a really gorgeous place to stay, it was incredibly fun to ...

Thoughts That Cross My Mind

Jun

2

2008

After blotting calamine lotion on my ridiculous number of flea bites, leaving a pattern of dark pink spots on pasty white skin: “God, I look like a gay leopard.”

Well Done, L.A. Times

Jun

2

2008

They have located the most innocuous-looking lesbians in America for their story about how same-sex marriage will be a huge economic boon to California. I am amused at how much their dog looks like an angry, surly old man, though. “Goddamn kids and their gay weddings. Now they’re going to spend their lives looking at ...

A Brief List Of Things I Am Doing Instead of Posting 2

Jun

1

2008

1. Killing fleas. 2. Washing all my bedding. 3. Working. 4. Itching. 5. Working. 6. Eating. 7. Itching some more. 8. Working some more. 9. Driving. 10. Killing a couple more fleas. 11. Applying calamine lotion. 12. Working. 13. Going to the gym. 14. Itching. 15. Wishing Chaplin were not so susceptible to fleas. 16. ...

The Best Six Bucks I’ve Spent in Some Time

May

30

2008

Strike Comme Ça, S’il Vous Plait

May

27

2008

Why can’t strikes here be like French strikes? They’re going to have a TV strike, but it’s been announced well in advance and is only lasting one day. I’d rather that sort of strike than the sort I fear we’re about to have. The sort where I look at my pile of old shoes and ...

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

May

26

2008

Now that Memorial Day weekend has passed, can we please, please, please agree to abandon the term “Stay-cation”? The media have grown awfully fond of this term in the last few weeks, as a way to describe people who are putting off vacation plans and staying at home because it’s so ridiculously fucking expensive to ...

On Behalf of the Laker-Haters 1

May

25

2008

Be they basketball non-fans like myself or (shudder) Clippers fans, I would like to just say to all the asshat Laker fans whose chronic dickitude has become overwhelming during the playoffs this year: Ha-ha! Also, I hope you lose the next three straight, like you did in ’04 against the Pistons in the Finals. I ...

There Goes That Idea

May

24

2008

All the good ellipticals were taken at the gym this evening, so I elected to try doing some jogging on the treadmill to see if my idea to improve my gym triathalon time would work. I got about three steps and my ankle gave me a very decisive (and rather painful) verdict of “Fuck you, ...