Posted in the elevator when I got home: “Dear tenants: There will be no hot water until tuesday night. Sorry.” Uh, if you have to work with me tomorrow, I hereby preemptively apologize for the stink.

Gaffer’s tape, applied carefully and judiciously, will hold your side mirror to your car, even at 85 miles an hour.

If I ever give you anything, all you have to do is say to me, “Thank you.” That’s all I need. Do not, in addition, send me a Thank-You Note. I think Thank-You Notes are a pretentious and antiquated tradition designed only to make the recipient of a gift look better. I hate sending them, ...

Because of this picture of Brendan, forwarded to me by Mark: That would be the walkway to Brendan’s house in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where they’ve had 43 inches of snow in the month of January. For reference purposes, Brendan is somewhere between 5’9″ and 6′ tall (I can’t remember exactly. Brendan?). Say what you will about ...

Here’s a story from the Alumni section of my high school’s website that indicates how small a world it really is: Lieutenant Elliot Ackerman ’98, USMC, and Lance Corporal Rajai Hakki ’99, USMC, are both Marines and fought together in the November assault on Fallujah in addition to several smaller operations. Elliot is currently serving ...

We were taping the show that airs Tuesday, and Diana DeGarmo (the American Idol runner up from the most recent editon) was on. Someone mentioned that she’s 17, and was born in 1987. And I thought, holy shit, I remember 1987. How can someone born that year be 17 (and be turning 18 and thus ...

Before my illness got the best of me, I was doing runs all day, and I had one run that reminded me that I clearly live on another planet. I was dropping off some costumes at a place called Costume Rental Corporation in North Hollywood. Their warehouse is in back of another big warehouse, and ...

There is nothing like coming home a little early because your head and neck are in so much pain from some evil virus…and finding your asshat neighbor blasting the bass. There is not enough Advil in the world for this shit.

Yet another reason not to live in Orange County (if you need registration info, click here: More than 1,500 jumbo squid — common to South America — have washed onto Orange County beaches over the last few days, leaving marine experts perplexed as to why so many of these torpedo-shaped mollusks have traveled so far ...

The shitty weather in D.C. in the run-up to tomorrow’s inaugural festivities makes me long for the days of William Henry Harrison: Harrison, the oldest man at age sixty-eight (before Ronald Reagan) to be inaugurated President, died after serving only one month in office. He had become ill after delivering his inaugural address outdoors in ...