Ladies and gentlemen, one of the contenders for this year’s Darwin Awards (which, if you don’t know, go to the people who do the greatest service to the human species by eliminating themselves from it in the stupidest manner): Man Falls To Death After Tripping On Pants

People, when you’re in a store, buying something off a gift registry, check to make sure nobody else bought it first. Even if you checked online the night before, someone may have gone ahead and bought it online overnight. Fortunately, I’m the person who bought it online and panicked when I saw that more than ...

I swear to god, I injure myself in the dumbest possible ways. And I had two truly brilliant ones today: 1. Caution: Doorknob I smacked my left forearm on a doorknob so hard that it left a really nasty bruise, leaving me unable to clench my fist for about six hours afterwards. I still can’t ...

I finally saw Mulholland Drive tonight. I did it for 2 reasons: 1. Must keep up on film snobbery to be able to make entirely pointless points at film school. 2. An extremely hot Italian girl recommended it to me, and I am powerless against both hot girls and Italians. The combination could get me ...

I was at work today and someone mentioned that PricewaterhouseCoopers, one of the more prestigious auditing firms in the country, was changing its name to Monday. After a bit of research, I’ve discovered that it’s only the consulting division, which is being spun off into a seperate company, that’s changing its name. Still, I think ...

Why do I ask for an honest answer to questions that I really don’t want to hear the honest answer to, I want to hear another answer? And why, if I do hear the answer I want, am I totally convinced that it’s not honest?

So I sent my dad and stepmom an article about a nudist convention just outside of Atlanta as a joke, since they were whitewater rafting in Idaho at the time, and it was such a terrible tragedy that they couldn’t make it. I got the following responses: Dad- “Really cute. They missed something by not ...

Gary Condit is the only person willing to vouch for your character. James Traficant Expelled From House Of Representatives By 420-1 Vote. Goodbye, Rep. Traficant. I hope you get the crap beaten out of you in prison for that hideous haircut.

I’m such a hopeless fucking romantic. You’d never know it to read most of the bizzaro shit I post here, but underneath my caustic exterior beats a heart of pudding. I try to hide it. I’m not terribly proud of the fact that I get all mushy at romantic comedies. Not all of them, mind ...

“It doesn’t just suck dick. It sucks uber-dick.” –Mark, on having to report from downtown next quarter.