dumbasses ← Ellen Shapiro dot com ← Page 2

Dear Dipshit Neighbor

Apr

20

2007

I know you prize your ’89 Nissan, but when moderate rain sets off the alarm repeatedly, you’ve made it too sensitive.

Oh Lord, Won’t You Buy Me A Mercedes-Benz?

Mar

16

2007

I drove mine into a river following bad GPS directions and it was swept away, I must make amends… Special bonus quote with hilarious British town name: Although the track is signposted as ‘unsuitable for motor vehicles’, the driver carried on and found herself at a ford in the village of Sheepy Magna. courtesy Dave ...

I Swear, Officer, It’s Just A Gun-Shaped Harmonica

Mar

7

2007

This story about John Popper getting popped for driving over 110 MPH, then having a subsequent search of his vehicle produce a massive cache of weapons and a small amount of weed raises several interesting questions: – Being the lead singer of freakin’ Blues Traveler, shouldn’t that be “a massive stash of weed and a ...

Dear Morons 1

Oct

24

2006

To the construction workers at working on that new building just east of Olympic and Bundy: I realize that when you build a building, you have to bring in a large number of steel beams. However, I’d like to request that you do two things for me and my fellow commuters in the future. 1. ...

Rush Limbaugh: Douchebag Extraordinaire

Oct

24

2006

Just when you think he couldn’t possibly go and say something any more asinine than…well, any of the other times he’s opened his mouth, he goes out and tops himself.

Where Do I Apply For A Canadian Work Visa Again?

Sep

12

2006

The secretary of the Air Force suggests testing crowd-control weapons on US citizens. I mean, I can sort of see the twisted logic that makes him think this is a good idea (i.e., if we’re not willing to use it on our citizens, then we shouldn’t be using it on foreigners because it will make ...

Dear Northwestern Football

Sep

9

2006

I want you to write I will not lose to a 1-AA team filling every blackboard and whiteboard on campus. Then I want you to start taking EVERY game seriously, you schmucks.

Oh, DC

Sep

7

2006

Not as dumb as the Wilson Bridge Jumper Asshat, but it comes pretty damn close.