Dear High School I Live Next Door To, Please be so kind as to inform your neighbors when you’re planning to set off fireworks, as you did tonight, apparently to celebrate homecoming. This would be especially appreciated since drive-by shootings are not unheard of around here, and a large cluster of loud bangs tends to ...

Who used to enjoy the annual Posting of the Write-In Votes in the student government elections, here’s a few write ins from Guilford County, North Carolina. A few of my personal favorites: Daffy Duck, Donald Duck, Desmond Tutu, Yoda, Jake Delhomme, Jed Clampett, Helen Keller, Frank Zappa, Kilroy, General Zod, Cow Patty, and (of course) ...

I read my horoscope for shits and giggles most days, but today, it was more of a “What the fuck?”: GEMINI (May 21-June 21). Expect an element of the bizarre. At the end of the day, you may wonder if it wasn’t one long hallucination. You were really there — it really happened — and ...

I cannot wait until Tuesday is over. Another electoral cycle will pass away, and I will do a happy dance. No more phone calls from tape-recorded celebrities or “normal people” telling scare stories about assorted propositions that clog up my answering machine. No more shitty commercials with poor animation of the numbers of various propositions ...

I’m going to Atlanta for thanksgiving. For six days. With 7 loud children under 13, 6 stepsiblings and spouses, 5 people out of those two groups staying with my dad and stepmom (not including me), 4 days I’ll probably be sleeping in their neighbor’s apartment, 3 kids 5 or under, 2 flights on fucking AirTran, ...

I need to be employed, like, right now. I’m tired of not doing anything because I have no money. I’m tired of being in my apartment all the freakin’ time. Because when you go from working all the time and only being in your apartment to fall dead asleep to being there all the time, ...

I bought a pumpkin to carve for the first time in a few years, and there were a few things that I forgot. 1. Buy a larger pumpkin than you think you’ll need. You need the big pumpkin so you can get detail on it. 2. Get small tools for carving it out. Kitchen knives ...

Fill in your own jokes, kids: Ryan Seacrest To Be Queen For A Day.

Finally catching up this week’s episode of Commander In Chief, the “OMG! The President is totally a girl!” show on ABC, I noticed one teeny, tiny error. Well, teeny, since it was only on for a total of less than thirty seconds, but not exactly tiny. Obviously, since the show is about the President of ...

YAY! DVD sets for Animaniacs AND Pinky & The Brain?! I seriously cannot contain my excitement. And Warner Brothers cannot get these out the door fast enough. I am such a geek. A very, very happy geek who’ll soon be getting a double-dose of Maurice LaMarche, but still. Geek.