The Three Stages Of Hollywood Assimilation 5

So being after being sent on a spectacularly silly errand for a guest at the show today, I’ve come to realize that there are three stages of being assimilated into Total Hollywood Whoredom.

They are, roughly:

Stage One: “Ohmigod, I can’t believe I’m running weird errands for [celebrity]!”

Usually found in younger residents and newer arrivals, someone who is so excited to be even remotely involved with a celebrity that the simple act of picking up someone’s dinner becomes the highlight of your day.

This stage usually only outwardly lasts a couple of weeks, otherwise you’ll get relentlessly mocked by people in stages two and three, which would be most of the people you work with.

However, it can poke its head out in people in later stages if they’re sent on an errand for someone they’ve idolized since childhood and/or have the hots for.

Stage Two: “Isn’t it hilariously ironic that I’m running weird errands for [celebrity]?”

This is where I’m at, and have been for a while. Usually found in people who have been here long enough for the shine to wear off, but not so long that we’re totally jaded.

You get a good laugh out of the absurdity of it all, because it really can be hilarious. But you also realize that if you weren’t laughing, you’d probably be crying.

Stage Three: “I cannot fucking believe I have to run another fucking weird errand for [celebrity].”

Usually found in people who have been here two years or more. It’s at this point where you start looking for another job, possibly in another industry, because you’re not even amused by the sheer insanity of it all, and your job becomse tedious.

Anyway, that’s my thesis. Any fellow whores out there who’d like to contradict me or suggest more stages are welcome to do so.

5 thoughts on “The Three Stages Of Hollywood Assimilation

  1. Reply Mark Apr 14,2005 2:22 pm

    It’s a bad sign when your friends are in stage three of your life.

  2. Reply Kim Apr 14,2005 2:32 pm

    Oh, I was going to write that I was still in stage one of your life…but again, that’s because I’m super-lame.

  3. Reply Ellen Apr 14,2005 6:39 pm

    I think someone’s trying to tell me he doesn’t want to hear about my stupid work bullshit anymore :)

  4. Reply Mark Apr 15,2005 6:35 pm

    Only as much as you want to hear about DC.

  5. Reply Laz Apr 15,2005 9:38 pm

    It’s similar in the world of scribes.

    Stage One (first internship or two): Oh my god! I can’t believe I’m getting paid to cover games and talk to famous people!

    Stage Two (first job): Isn’t it ridiculous that I’m getting paid to cover games and talk to famous people?

    Stage Three: I hate famous people. How pathetic is my life that I follow around these overpaid, self-absorbed assholes and ask them inane questions on a daily basis? I paid $140,000 to go to college for THIS?

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