Onion ← Ellen Shapiro dot com ← Page 2

A Little Stir Crazy

May

17

2007

Having spoken to precisely two people in person in the last week and a half, including my neighbor who came up to tell me that anytime I ran water in my apartment her kitchen was flooding, it was nice to have Miss Cleo come by tonight. However, I’ve been so starved for human contact, I ...

Brilliant 1

Feb

14

2007

I don’t know how many of you have been following the story of John Amaechi, the first former NBA player to officially come out. However, if you have, you will thoroughly enjoy the Onion’s merciless take on the story: John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player STOCKPORT, ENGLAND—British homosexual John Amaechi sent shockwaves throughout ...

For Laz 1

Oct

4

2006

Whose Mets beat the team upon whose bandwagon I have jumped (the Dodgers) today: Confident Pedro Martinez Performs Own Rotator-Cuff Surgery .onion_embed{ background:rgb(256,256,256)!important;border:4px solid rgb(65,160,65);border-width:4px 0 1px 0;margin:10px 30px!important;padding:5px;overflow:hidden!important;zoom:1;}.onion_embed img{ border:0!important;}.onion_embed a{display:inline;}.onion_embed a.img{ float:left!important;margin:0 5px 0 0!important;width:66px;display:block;overflow:hidden!important;}.onion_embed a.img img{border:1px solid #222!important;width:64px;padding:0!important;;}.onion_embed h2{ line-height:2px;clear:none;margin:0!important;padding:0!important;}.onion_embed h3{ line-height:2px;margin:3px 0 0 0!important;padding:0!important;}.onion_embed h3 a{ color:rgb(0,51,102)!important;font:bold 16px/16px Arial,sans-serif!important;text-decoration:none!important;display:inline!important;float:none!important;text-transform:capitalize!important;}.onion_embed h3 a:hover{ ...

Onion Sports Fun 1

Sep

14

2006

Today they poke a bit of fun at one of my childhood heroes: Cal Ripken Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive-Games-Not-Played List BALTIMORE—Cal Ripken Jr. celebrated a new milestone in his not-playing-baseball career on Tuesday as he moved into 8 billionth place on the… .onion_embed{ background:rgb(256,256,256)!important;border:4px solid rgb(65,160,65);border-width:4px 0 1px 0;margin:10px 30px!important;padding:5px;overflow:hidden!important;zoom:1;}.onion_embed img{ ...

Story Of My Life 1

May

24

2005

The Onion once again ventures into uncannily accurate territory: Having-One-Beer Plan Goes Awry.

The Onion gets deep

Oct

8

2002

The Onion AV Club, the semiserious side of The Onion, America’s Finest (satirical) Newspaper, asked a large number of celebrity types whether God exists. My favorite answer came from John Leguizamo: The Onion: Is there a God? John Leguizamo: Yeah, but there’s not just one God. There’s a whole lot of gods, because one God ...

Why I Love The Onion #4765

Jul

16

2002

From America’s Finest News Source: Horrible Band Obviously Not Listening To Its Influences SAN DIEGO— Puddle Of Mudd, a dreary nü-metal rock band that cites Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and Metallica as influences, is obviously not listening to those influences. “Zep, Sabbath, Metallica, Maiden, Aerosmith—growing up, that’s what we listened to, and that’s what shaped ...