You know, swap out PNC Park for Camden Yards, and the Pittsburgh Pirates for the Baltimore Orioles, and this story would still be both accurate and hilarious.

Over the course of rehabbing my foot, I’ve been collecting these progressively stronger giant rubber bands of different colors that I use to strengthen my muscles. Every time my foot gets stronger, they give me one that’s a different color with more tension. They’re fun, but I need to figure out what to do with ...

So, my dad’s recurring diverticulitis finally landed him in the hospital. He’s going to be fine, but I’m somewhat worried about him. I became less worried when I heard he pulled this little stunt. He’s on a liquid diet until the doctors decide when, precisely, to operate on him to take out the portion of ...

I’m usually not very scared of spiders. I usually dispose of them by either setting Chaplin on them or catcing them with a piece of toilet paper and flushing them to their watery graves. There are exceptions to every rule. I was napping on my couch this afternoon when my eyes briefly opened…and I saw ...

I was having a conversation with two female co-workers, both of whom are in pretty good shape, when an actress walked by in a dress that was extremely flattering. Co-worker #1: Wow, she looks great. (pause) I need to work out more. Co-worker #2: Yeah, me too. Me: (pause) I want a Twinkie. Suddenly, my ...

Not only did I wear my ugliest work shirt (it’s lime green, people. LIME GREEN) today, but I was completely out of white socks, so I had to wear black ones. Anybody got any idea how ridiculous black socks look with a lime green shirt and blue jeans? Damn, I need to get some quarters.

My brain is totally fried from a combination of not-sleep and work, so I don’t have much to say, and likely won’t until the weekend. To tide you over until then, I hereby present you this picture of Joel’s despicably adorable puppy, who is representing my current state pretty well:

Why on earth would any city place its street signs vertically at street level, where it’s absolutely impossible to read while driving, particularly in the dark? I went to Manhattan Beach to deliver a script tonight and almost crashed my car like four times trying to read the damn signs on the side streets so ...

A cat with a beer bottle isn’t as funny as a dog with a beer bottle, which isn’t as funny as an otter with a beer bottle, which isn’t nearly as funny as rabbits eating weed.

A few thoughts on the Emmy nominations that came out today, which in the interest of not making the main page a mile long, I’ve placed after the jump. And by “a few thoughts,” I mean “a roughly dissertation-length dissection of most of the major categories.” Note: If the link to the full post isn’t ...