Zing! 1

I love Roger Ebert’s reviews of horrible movies. He’s not nearly as good a reviewer when he likes something, becuase there’s a particular bit of bile that gets stirred up within him when he really despises something.

And he brought out the big guns for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo: a zero-star review. To wit:

“Deuce Bigalow” is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes…

It sounds to me like a movie that Columbia Pictures and the film’s producers (Glenn S. Gainor, Jack Giarraputo, Tom McNulty, Nathan Talbert Reimann, Adam Sandler and John Schneider) should be discussing in long, sad conversations with their inner child.

Ebert then goes on at a bit of length to describe an odd incident over the winter when Rob Schnieder, insulted by a movie critic in L.A. took out an ad in Variety, saying that the critic was unworthy of criticism since he’d never won a Pulitzer Prize.

And then Ebert goes into the windup:

Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks.

But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” while passing on the opportunity to participate in “Million Dollar Baby,” “Ray,” “The Aviator,” “Sideways” and “Finding Neverland.” As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

It does smack a bit of “Neener neener neener!”, but really, for making something as obviously atrocious as a fucking SEQUEL to a movie that was patently awful to begin with, Schneider deserves it.