I’m back. Please note that this is a bit long, but there’s some stuff that’s quite funny despite the necessary elaborate setups, since I don’t talk much about my family here. I’ve sort of parceled it out into sections for easier reading. — Thanksgiving was bearable, thanks in most part to Mark coming down and ...

I’m in Atlanta for the next few days for thanksgiving with my dad, my stepmom, my stepsiblings, their spouses, their collective children, and Mark, who is gallantly coming down from D.C. to save me from these loons. The grand total is 17 people, seven under the age of 11, two under the age of one. ...

You know you’ve had a strange day when this is one of your more normal conversations: (Co-worker walks by, does a double take, stops in front of the door) Co-worker: What the hell are you doing? Me: I’m inflating a Christmas tree. Co-worker: Oh. (Co-worker backs away slowly). And yes, I really was inflating a ...

Those of you who were wondering about my frequent, inexplicable shifts into different accents (usually Southern or British) may finally have a reason, thanks to Dave Barry’s weblog. The explanation: I’ve been having a series of strokes.

I’ve injured myself in a lot of dumb ways before, but this one takes the cake. As I was opening a jar of tomato sauce, a piece of dried-on sauce sliced my finger open. At first just thought, ow, that hurt a lot more than tomato sauce should. Then I noticed blood. And then I ...

Continuing the game that Cooper started: You will live in Apartment. You will drive a Red Fire Truck. You will marry Angelina [Jolie] and have 4 kids. You will be a Fry Cook in New York. I could definitely do that. Hell, I’d do anything if it’d mean I could sleep with Angelina. And just ...

I’ll refrain from saying much for those who haven’t seen the episode yet (or don’t give two shits about ER), but man, the Copter of Doom? That was like a bad episode of the Coyote vs. The Roadrunner.

Should be used for good, not evil. courtesy CheshireKim

Opening your mailbox to find Bill Gates staring back at you from the cover of Newsweek. I’m sorry, but he gives me the heebie-jeebies. I can’t put my finger on why. Perhaps it’s the combination of his uber-nerd style, Kermit The Frog voice, and that slight glint of evil in his eye. Perhaps it’s just ...

Watching Arnold Schwarzenneger sit down in the governor’s chair, jokingly shout “Makeup!” and then sign a repeal of the car tax, it occured to me: What if this is all a really, really elaborate episode of Punk’d? Would anyone truly be surprised if Ashton Kutcher jumped out and, in that obnoxious laugh of his, pronounced ...