I’m sorry, I know he did a prestigious stint in the Texas Air National Guard during the Vietnam War, but there is nothing sillier than George W. Bush in a flight suit. And you just know when he was flying that jet, he was making “Neeeeeeeeeeeeerow! Vwhooooooooooosh!” noises. He just has that look on his ...

Will The Real Saddam Please Stand Up? courtesy Dave Barry

– Staples are out, making me significantly happier, though not reducing the pain as much as I’d hoped. – I really want/need to get out of the house but I still can’t walk that far or sit that long without fairly significant pain, so I’m shit outta luck on that front. – Not much else ...

The thing that drives me the most nuts about this absurd appendicitis bullshit is that it really fucking hurts when I laugh. Comedic movies have been banned from my DVD player. The Simpsons can be watched because there are usually decent enough breaks between the laughs to recover. I read the Onion far slower than ...

So it turns out I may not have to wait another month to finally start working. For those who didn’t read my absurdly long appendicitis story, here’s the short version. I was supposed to start training at CPK Monday, and when I called them to tell them I wasn’t going to be able to make ...

I know it’s only the Onion, the finest purveyor of fake news, but given my recent string of health-related bullshit, my fake horoscope this week was more than a little disturbing: Gemini: (May 21—June 21) You’ll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips. Jeebus…

Hey, dumbasses! The following is only my opinion, but given the poor performance of your little movie, I suspect I’m not alone. The reason reality shows are popular is that you meet characters over a longer period of time and get to identify with and/or hate them, and grow to have relationships with them, just ...

For once, I have become extremely grateful that I’m horribly addicted to ER, because otherwise, my appendix probably would have burst before it occurred to me that there might be a problem. Let me back up a little bit. Wednesday night, I was sitting around, being my normal lazy self and watching television all night, ...

So my body continued its revolt against me by giving me appendicitis. I had my appendix removed friday night, almost exactly a month after my other surgery. I’m doped up pretty good right now and still in a fair amount of pain, but I’m home, and I feel a lot better than I did Saturday, ...

So I thought I had officially lost my mind completely today. Turns out I’m still just the garden-variety nutjob I’ve always been. I recently purchased the first season box set of Six Feet Under DVDs, and I was trying to figure out how in the hell to access the fourth episode. Now, if you look ...