Mine from the Onion seems particularly pertinent this week:
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
While it’s true you’re not a salmon, there’s really no reason you shouldn’t at least try swimming upriver to spawn.
I don’t take most shit from the Onion too seriously, but this one struck me as something of a metaphor for my current love life (or to be far more accurate, my lack thereof). You know your life’s fucked up when The Onion actually starts making sense…