“Raymond Chandler, drunk and depressed
Tennessee Williams, drunk and depressed
I think I’ll just get drunk and depressed.”
SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Take the following with a grain of really drunken salt. And also beware of toxic amounts of self-pity.
1. I will not consume another goddamn drop of alcohol in the month of November.
That’s it. I’m tired of feeling like shit and being totally goddamn broke. I am not drinking any more alcohol for a month.
I’m a manic-depressive drunk: I feel on top of the world when I’m starting to drink, but if ever I should stop, oh, whoa, look out. I’m a total fucking drag and I decide that well, if I feel like shit, then so shall everybody else.
I am not putting myself nor anyone else through that for at least the next month.
2. I will not define whether I am a good person or not by whether or not I can get laid.
Because I can’t, and I need to accept that. And I’m fucking tired of feeling like a terrible person because of it.
3. I shall not blame myself for not being the pick of what is clearly a meat market when I am decidedly not filet mignon.
I went out with some friends and we went to some bars and, oh, what a fucking surprise!, absolutely nobody was interested in me.
This should come as a total fucking shock to me because:
a) I was drunk and depressed.
b) Every girl there and 85% of the guys were hotter than me. A few of the guys were fugly, but all the girls were hot. Well, except the one who was dancing on the bar to Christina Aguilera. She was more wasted than I am.
c) Self-pity is not exactly a chick magnet.
d) I weigh at least double some of the girls I was hitting on.
e) I incessantly apologize for nothing when I’m drunk, which I realize is really obnoxious, but is a reflex I can’t control too well.
f) I don’t understand the concept of pacing myself. In anything.
I should not allow this to drive me totally insane when I know goddamn well what’s going to happen.
4. I’m going to fucking kill my landlord if he doesn’t turn up the goddamn heat.
It’s fifty-nine fucking degrees in here, according to the thermometer on my wall. ‘Nuff said.
5. I will not drag my friends into this bullshit anymore.
Especially Joel, who is my Golden God of the Month for November for helping me get home in one piece. And I guess October, too, since I never named a Golden God of the Month for October.
6. No more drunk blogging.
See entire rest of post.