2002 ← Ellen Shapiro dot com ← Page 23

You know you’re fucked when…

Jul

25

2002

Gary Condit is the only person willing to vouch for your character. James Traficant Expelled From House Of Representatives By 420-1 Vote. Goodbye, Rep. Traficant. I hope you get the crap beaten out of you in prison for that hideous haircut.

Just hopeless

Jul

24

2002

I’m such a hopeless fucking romantic. You’d never know it to read most of the bizzaro shit I post here, but underneath my caustic exterior beats a heart of pudding. I try to hide it. I’m not terribly proud of the fact that I get all mushy at romantic comedies. Not all of them, mind ...

And you can quote him

Jul

23

2002

“It doesn’t just suck dick. It sucks uber-dick.” –Mark, on having to report from downtown next quarter.

Da train! Da train!

Jul

22

2002

I take the El to and from work every day, and mostly, I like it. I can read, I can be half-asleep, and I don’t generally end up getting too psychotic towards my fellow commuters. The only problem is that when I leave work anytime between about 4:46pm and 5:30pm, the trains that come are ...

City slicker’s first tractor pull

Jul

21

2002

“Oh, hey, my school‘s tractor pulling team is pulling today. You wanna go down and watch?” This question came from Ray, my friend Elisa’s fiancee, who I was going down to Champagin, Illinois to meet up with, and check on for Elisa to make sure that their new place (they’re getting married in 3 weeks) ...

Anything For A Vote

Jul

21

2002

Janet Reno’s Dance Party becomes a reality.

Beer Crisper

Jul

18

2002

I had to clean out the beer crisper today. The beer crisper is the bottom drawer of the fridge. Most people call it a vegetable crisper, but since a) it does pretty much nothing in terms of keeping vegetables fresh and b) I hardly ever eat vegetables anyway, I started putting beer in it. I ...

Some Things I’ll Never Understand

Jul

17

2002

I had a real weird day today, but the pinnacle came as me, Tom, and Bryen (the guys I work with) were watching a movie we’re supposed to be working on sound for, free of charge, for a friend of a guy who works at Post Effects. The movie is just plain bad. The script ...

Why I Love The Onion #4765

Jul

16

2002

From America’s Finest News Source: Horrible Band Obviously Not Listening To Its Influences SAN DIEGO— Puddle Of Mudd, a dreary nü-metal rock band that cites Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and Metallica as influences, is obviously not listening to those influences. “Zep, Sabbath, Metallica, Maiden, Aerosmith—growing up, that’s what we listened to, and that’s what shaped ...

Further Adventures In Dorkdom

Jul

16

2002

I have got to be the only musician who actually believes a show is going to start at 9:30 when it’s advertised as starting at 9:30. I went down to an open mic tonight, which I had seen started at 9:30. I decided to take the El since I wasn’t entirely sure I’d be able ...