Waiter Quiz

Take this quiz to find out whether you should be a waiter! Or, conversely, whether you were the waiter who waited on my party this evening.

1. A party of five is led to a booth designed for four, in which they will not fit. After some wrangling, they are eventually led to a larger booth in which they do fit. After this occurs, do you:
a) Watch them extra closely and provide strong service to make up for this error.
b) Serve them normally, as the waitstaff cannot control the incompetence of the host.
c) Ignore them completely for 20 minutes, only arriving to take any orders (including drink orders) until after they have had to have someone physically drag you over.

2. Someone orders a meal with no modifications, except one request for a side of teriyaki sauce, placed at the same time as the order. Do you:
a) Bring the teriyaki sauce out with the food.
b) Forget the teriyaki sauce in the confusion with the food, but bring it immediately when reminded.
c) Apologize for forgetting, then leave and not return for half an hour, completely ignoring any efforts by the table to flag you down and never bringing the damn sauce.

3. There is a birthday at this table, and for birthdays, your restaurant has a designated free dessert. Do you:
a) Bring out the designated birthday dessert and congratulate the birthday boy.
b) Bring out the designated birthday dessert, congratulate the birthday boy, and apologize for fucking up the teriyaki sauce.
c) Bring out the designated birthday dessert, refer to it as an apology for fucking up the teriyaki sauce, then leave for another 20 minutes.

4. You have dropped off the check to an obviously pissed off table. Do you:
a) Watch them so that you can grab the check as soon as they’ve placed it out for you to take so that they may at least leave in a timely fashion.
b) Check back 5 minutes after dropping the check to see if they’ve placed it out for you to take.
c) Leave for yet another 20 minutes, never to return, and when they have to flag down a busboy to take you the check with payment, have another server return it.

If you answered a) to most of these questions, congratulations, you’d make an excellent waiter. If you answered b), you’re at least competent. If you answered c), you are obviously our waiter from tonight, and you’re also a schmuck.

I used to be a server, so I know the difference between “We’re busy and I’m swamped” and “I’m lazy and/or stupid.” I don’t give a shitty tip unless someone really fucks up, and this guy really fucked up. I actually had to talk the folks paying down to giving him a 10% tip.

Had it just been me, I would have given him a five dollar tip (on a meal for five at a good seafood restaurant). Enough to say “I didn’t forget to tip you, I just think you did a truly atrocious job.” He’d have been fired from CPK in about five seconds. I couldn’t believe he was working at this place.

Needless to say, we had a word with the manager as we were leaving. It’s really a shame, because the food was outstanding.

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