Shut Up, Captain Brad

I had probably the most irritating flight I’ve ever flown on getting to Atlanta tonight. It was ridiculously late, we had to hold for a long time, and there was enough turbulence to make it feel like I was flying in a giant maraca.

Then, there was the co-pilot.

“Captain Brad and Captain Jody” were the co-pilot and pilot of my flight. Brad was the spokesman for the pair, and he was almost cartoonish in his detailed descriptions of….everything!

I swear, every sitcom trope of the irritating co-pilot coming over the intercom to announce what’s out the window, this guy hit that and then some.

He insisted upon regaling us with the most mundane calculations. “Well, our current ground speed is about 560 miles an hour with a tailwind of 40 miles an hour. It was 125 earlier but now it’s 40. Anyway, that now puts us moving over about three football fields every second. And we’re burning through about 12 gallons of fuel every minute.”*

I kept thinking, did this guy just get a new calculator? Or is he actually this boring?

And the descriptions of the route were even worse. Not only did he point out Oklahoma City, and Memphis, but Kingman, Arizona and some bumfuck town in Arkansas I’d never even heard of.

And on our approach to Atlanta, I shit you not, he gave the exact exit and landmark on the interstate (Exit 46- Six Flags) where we’d be turning south. That’d be truly fascinating if a) we weren’t flying, b) there wasn’t a a thick layer of clouds at about 1000ft. and c) it wasn’t pitch black outside.

He also gave way too many updates on how late the flight was. We had already left LA two and a half hours late, and he just insisted on giving every tiny update on how long we would be in the dreaded Holding Pattern.

“Two to three turns at eight minutes a turn.” Then “about 15-20 minutes.” Now we’re up to “20-30 minutes.” The groans at the sound of his voice from the cabin kept getting louder and louder

The other reassuring thing he did was tell us about the 50+mph winds that were buffeting Atlanta.

Yes, that’s a truly effective way to calm a turbulent plane full of jumpy passengers. Tell us how awfully goddamn windy it is as we get closer to the ground.

On behalf of all the passengers on AssTran flight 56: Shut up, Captain Brad.

*-No, seriously. He actually said all of that. At one time.

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