Because I stole them from others.
I already posted about the great Onion article that inspired this, but this is quite funny as well. Example:
“You know how faces are sometimes blurred on news programs to protect peoples’ privacy? You can go that same route with your blog by searching for potentially incriminating keywords and editing for a softer, more Mom-friendly vocabulary. For example: ‘I got really drunk last night’ becomes, ‘I got really marshmallow last night.’ It may not make sense, but it does give you plausible deniability, which could help. Every little bit counts. ”
My personal favorite: “Freddy vs. Kramer,” if simply for the tagline “Divorce can be hell.” A lot of them are great, though.
My vote: Albert Belle. He did okay by most standards, but for the money they were paying him, he should have at least had the decency to hit enough home runs to make people question whether he was using steroids.
Although “The Glenn Davis Trade” is a four-word phrase you should never, ever say to an O’s fan without standing back, because we will go into spitting, bilious tirades about what a bunch of fucking morons the O’s were to trade for him.
Of course, if you’re not a baseball fan, you can avoid this tirade by telling me how boring baseball is. Then you get an entirely seperate tirade.