Lindsay prepares me for the bad jokes I may face should I ever decide to get the deviated septum I’ve had for years fixed once and for all, so I can, for the first time since I can remember, breathe through both nostrils.

No, really. When I had a hairline fracture on my nose my senior year of high school, I went to an ENT specialist and he said, “Well, you have a deviated septum, but it looks like a very old injury. Tell me, can you breathe out of both nostrils?”

And until then, it hadn’t even occured to me that this was a problem.

God damn, I’m dense enough to sink in a sea of lead.

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