Fuck fuckity fuck fuck

My mother has offered me $1000 to stop swearing.

I think the main reason she offered me such a large chunk of change is she knows there’s no way in hell I’d ever take it.

I have sworn like a drunken sailor who used to be a truck driver driving through New York City since I was twelve and discovered Denis Leary’s No Cure For Cancer, and shortly thereafter George Carlin, and she knows there isn’t a fucking thing she can do about it. She is well aware of this, even though she really wants me to stop swearing.

So she has turned to what she percieves as my weak point: money. If she hit me in about eight months when I’ve graduated and am eating ramen three meals a day because I can’t afford anything else because I still don’t have a real job, she might have actually gotten me to take it (though I still would have argued her up to at least five grand).

Her offer is up from her earliest offer of $100, which I simply laughed at. But I think she’s going to have to go to at least 10 grand to get me to seriously consider excising even just the word “fuck” from my vocabulary. If I could keep “fuck,” I might be persuaded to stop saying “shit” for about two grand.

Because you gotta have something to say other than “oh my heck” when you stub your toe.

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